Can my life get any worse......
I think so.....
Noboby can ever understand me. They even try to take away the things that are important to me....
I'm never given any freedom.
My parents want me to focus on my studies(like I'm not already trying to do that!). They want me to read nothing else but textbooks on science, math.....uhhhh.... BORING!!!!!!!!!!
They want me to put down my books of fantasy and entertainment. Is that really how they should treat me.. taking away the one hobby that I consider my only hope of leaving this troublesome world.
Books have always been taking me to places far from where I stand. Every time I read a great book I seem to take no notice of the world around me. I'm tangled in the words of the author. There is this wonderful feeling of being in the story itself and being able to witness the events face-to-face (or something like that).
Sermons I can handle but restriction of reading.....I'd rather DIE!!!!!!
My happiness comes from books. I'm already trapped in this horrid wasteland and with no books as backdoors, there's no more point in living.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
It's All Too Much
(I dedicate this to my dear father, who "inspired" me to write this entry)
Loath, turmoil, unhappiness, torture, devastation, anger, distress, sadness, horror, defeat.... and the like. They seem to come together forming the thing which I call my LIFE. Wrath, destruction, criticism, evil, discontentment.... and many more.
DETERIORATION...... of my soul..... into the bitter nothingness. But is it truly bitter? For such nothingness can become my own sanctuary. Empty, yet somewhat satisfying, peaceful, calming. Here I cannot be torn apart. My tears would cease to fall. Away from the world so cruel. Such serene silence.
DEATH......, oh how I long for it. To grasp it in my trembling hands. The hands rained down upon by excruciating pain. Those who know me well, my friends and family can easily say what my true wish is -- to DIE. But they shall only speak of it as humor.
I am not afraid of death. No one is. For deep inside, they too feel great resentment. The urge to escape their troubles. The word DEATH now means to me nothing more but pleasure. Leading me, away...away from the rest of the world. The world which beguiled me to think that I shall be protected, loved, cared for. A clever guise. It made me believe that I shall be led into happiness but the truth was, it was draining me. Exhaustion engulfed my body. It also filled my heart with aches, which I believe, as worse as anyone else's.
Whenever DEPRESSION -- my "dear friend" -- lurch over me, I'd cry. Cry in anguish, at a lone corner in my room, my cheeks sodden with tears. I'd stay there for quite some time, pale and sullen. I know no one whom I can turn to at such times. I feel uneasy in asking anyone. I dread they would just leave me behind, adding more grief to my miserable existence.
Tonight, as always, I'm depressed, I think. I can't really explain what I feel. All I know is that it's horrible. But, woe is me, my tears won't come out. And I need them to at least decrease some of these feelings of mine. Is it possible that I have shed them all? Well, it's not really a surprise. For I cry quite frequently, that I knew someday my tears might disappear. They say tears are precious and it would be a shame to waste them. If it is true, then I am a poor defenseless girl. Left to rot in a deep grave... if I'm lucky.
I have become a master when it comes to disguises. Everyday, I would wear a mask. Fixed on it is a great big smile. A cheerful face. I'd also bring with me laughter. Laughter vibrating through the ears of many. Yet behind the joy I show, comes the haunting face of a young girl who sobs every night. Crying herself to sleep. In fact, these cries have become a lullaby, sad yet helpful. For after weeping, it seems as if my worries were painstakingly peeled off. Reviving my soul. Feeling anew. I sleep with a lighter heart. Only to awake seeing, stretched before me, the world bombarding me once again with great hardships.
Loath, turmoil, unhappiness, torture, devastation, anger, distress, sadness, horror, defeat.... and the like. They seem to come together forming the thing which I call my LIFE. Wrath, destruction, criticism, evil, discontentment.... and many more.
DETERIORATION...... of my soul..... into the bitter nothingness. But is it truly bitter? For such nothingness can become my own sanctuary. Empty, yet somewhat satisfying, peaceful, calming. Here I cannot be torn apart. My tears would cease to fall. Away from the world so cruel. Such serene silence.
DEATH......, oh how I long for it. To grasp it in my trembling hands. The hands rained down upon by excruciating pain. Those who know me well, my friends and family can easily say what my true wish is -- to DIE. But they shall only speak of it as humor.
I am not afraid of death. No one is. For deep inside, they too feel great resentment. The urge to escape their troubles. The word DEATH now means to me nothing more but pleasure. Leading me, away...away from the rest of the world. The world which beguiled me to think that I shall be protected, loved, cared for. A clever guise. It made me believe that I shall be led into happiness but the truth was, it was draining me. Exhaustion engulfed my body. It also filled my heart with aches, which I believe, as worse as anyone else's.
Whenever DEPRESSION -- my "dear friend" -- lurch over me, I'd cry. Cry in anguish, at a lone corner in my room, my cheeks sodden with tears. I'd stay there for quite some time, pale and sullen. I know no one whom I can turn to at such times. I feel uneasy in asking anyone. I dread they would just leave me behind, adding more grief to my miserable existence.
Tonight, as always, I'm depressed, I think. I can't really explain what I feel. All I know is that it's horrible. But, woe is me, my tears won't come out. And I need them to at least decrease some of these feelings of mine. Is it possible that I have shed them all? Well, it's not really a surprise. For I cry quite frequently, that I knew someday my tears might disappear. They say tears are precious and it would be a shame to waste them. If it is true, then I am a poor defenseless girl. Left to rot in a deep grave... if I'm lucky.
I have become a master when it comes to disguises. Everyday, I would wear a mask. Fixed on it is a great big smile. A cheerful face. I'd also bring with me laughter. Laughter vibrating through the ears of many. Yet behind the joy I show, comes the haunting face of a young girl who sobs every night. Crying herself to sleep. In fact, these cries have become a lullaby, sad yet helpful. For after weeping, it seems as if my worries were painstakingly peeled off. Reviving my soul. Feeling anew. I sleep with a lighter heart. Only to awake seeing, stretched before me, the world bombarding me once again with great hardships.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Dreaded Existence
My problems were piling up.
I didn't know what to do anymore.
I felt like falling to pieces.
The day started out like any other. But the weather was a bit gloomy. Dark clouds high above. Rain started to fall as I entered the campus. What a sad day........NOT!:)
In fact, days like this makes me feel like everything will be alright. It's like after the rain, everything would be anewed.
The tingling beads of cold rain ran down my arms. It made me smile. I can't explain but nature had had this toll on me. The simplest thing can make me happy.
I was in a good mood when I entered the classroom. Though we would have our periodic exams on two of our most mind-straining subjects, the feeling of nervousness left me. The hours past by. I even felt out of place when I saw all of my classmates studying and me....well..., let's just say I got caught up on other matters.
The exams were through. I expected the afternoon to be nothing more than relaxation. The week has exhausted all my energy. Unfortunately for little old me, our school paper advisers took the liberty of calling for a meeting. I was doomed. I needed rest. Not practice. Just a few hours. Is that so much to ask. Exams, projects, reports, upcoming regional school press conference. Its all so frustrating.
My brain isn't functioning correctly.
There's no doubt about it. I live a dreaded existence.
I didn't know what to do anymore.
I felt like falling to pieces.
The day started out like any other. But the weather was a bit gloomy. Dark clouds high above. Rain started to fall as I entered the campus. What a sad day........NOT!:)
In fact, days like this makes me feel like everything will be alright. It's like after the rain, everything would be anewed.
The tingling beads of cold rain ran down my arms. It made me smile. I can't explain but nature had had this toll on me. The simplest thing can make me happy.
I was in a good mood when I entered the classroom. Though we would have our periodic exams on two of our most mind-straining subjects, the feeling of nervousness left me. The hours past by. I even felt out of place when I saw all of my classmates studying and me....well..., let's just say I got caught up on other matters.
The exams were through. I expected the afternoon to be nothing more than relaxation. The week has exhausted all my energy. Unfortunately for little old me, our school paper advisers took the liberty of calling for a meeting. I was doomed. I needed rest. Not practice. Just a few hours. Is that so much to ask. Exams, projects, reports, upcoming regional school press conference. Its all so frustrating.
My brain isn't functioning correctly.
There's no doubt about it. I live a dreaded existence.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Starring in a Horror Movie
Bbrrrriiiinnnnnggg!!!!!!!
My alarm clock just turned off.
Great... another day of misery... *sigh*... Why misery you ask? It's a long story but let me highlight a few factors that make it the horror movie that it is.
-There comes a time when I fell like I can never do anything right. My parents always say that I should do better in school. Keep my grades higher than anyone else's. Easy for them to say. They're not the ones trying to insert everything taught in school into a cranium already filled personal teenage problems.
They just don't understand what it's like. I'm doing the best I can. My knees are weak. My nights feel like oblivion where my very body disintegrates leaving nothing behind but carrying with it the pains and aches I feel.
Phrases like 'you should do the best', 'your best ain't good enough', 'your always below the standards of being #1' keep gnawing at my ears.
-Teachers. There's no surprise there. Teachers can not only be a student's second parent but also their worst nightmare. Quizzes, homework, projects, you name it, are thrown at you. Is there no end. They always check up on those running for honors. Doesn't it seem annoying(say you're writing an essay) when people look over your shoulder.
-Of course everyone else around you still counts. Aside from friends, what do you think processes in the minds of those who look at you in a different perspective. Who are you for them? You could either be someone nice or the devil's daughter/son. For an honor student people can doubt your intelligence. There are also times when people try to pull you down.
Critics every one of them....
My alarm clock just turned off.
Great... another day of misery... *sigh*... Why misery you ask? It's a long story but let me highlight a few factors that make it the horror movie that it is.
-There comes a time when I fell like I can never do anything right. My parents always say that I should do better in school. Keep my grades higher than anyone else's. Easy for them to say. They're not the ones trying to insert everything taught in school into a cranium already filled personal teenage problems.
They just don't understand what it's like. I'm doing the best I can. My knees are weak. My nights feel like oblivion where my very body disintegrates leaving nothing behind but carrying with it the pains and aches I feel.
Phrases like 'you should do the best', 'your best ain't good enough', 'your always below the standards of being #1' keep gnawing at my ears.
-Teachers. There's no surprise there. Teachers can not only be a student's second parent but also their worst nightmare. Quizzes, homework, projects, you name it, are thrown at you. Is there no end. They always check up on those running for honors. Doesn't it seem annoying(say you're writing an essay) when people look over your shoulder.
-Of course everyone else around you still counts. Aside from friends, what do you think processes in the minds of those who look at you in a different perspective. Who are you for them? You could either be someone nice or the devil's daughter/son. For an honor student people can doubt your intelligence. There are also times when people try to pull you down.
Critics every one of them....
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